Dear Dad,
It's Father's Day again, nothing
even remotely to celebrate, nope,
as you are still in a little tin box,
remember, you died, and I never got...
Dad, please, don't interrupt me while I write,
...and I never got the chance to let grief
deliver me from this life and your death.
If I never got the chance, it's my fault,
that I am to blame, that I made mistakes,
still, it's not everyday your father dies.
Forget that you told me to keep working
at my new position at the bookstore,
that I didn't know what to do, to ask
human resources for time off, to leave
everything to come visit you dying,
reasonable, as I look back, hindsight
succeeds at achieving perfect vision.
Deliberately, I stayed away, as far
as Chicago is from Huntington Beach,
yes, I chose love two thousand miles away,
as we have accepted, I was to blame,
given the circumstances, no cash flow,
a trip to California seemed absurd,
in the eyes of my brother, I lacked sense,
no one can return me to that moment,
not that I would want to return, five years
on and I live with my actions, demons
taunt my soul in a living hell, I run
hundreds of miles each month, never to reach
in time to say goodbye, to embrace you,
no, I am the wrong son for emotions,
given my background, I am the king crab,
even as a boy, I could not process
virtual simulacra for feelings,
enter my dissimulation, pretense,
nothing anyone could then understand,
remember the Seventies, no one knew
even a thing about child disorders,
maybe autism wasn't discovered,
or maybe, I was just so damn special
that I acted out all the time, bad kids,
even they need love and understanding,
left with your fists, the art of the boxer,
yes, your favorite sport next to soccer,
touched me with hands that lacked all affection,
only my older brother, golden child,
challenged you in friendship, I was a cause,
even now, lost inside my head with words,
left to my own devices, my silence
entered a realm no one could touch or hold,
berated by family and some classmates,
reason overwhelmed my brain, while feelings
attained a perpetual state of frozen
tundra, the hell across which I now run,
entering the marathon, year after...
no internal dialogue again, please,
on this matter, I stand firm, I'm tired
pretending you, mom, or my brother talk
endlessly to me while I run, I'm done
asking for forgiveness, you never cared,
still mom preaches "accountability,"
yet I stopped calling long ago, no more
of the past will I bear as a burden,
under this weight, I have lived much too long,
are you cognizant of these words I write,
remembering my father for others,
even for myself, I seek out the best,
suffering for so many years, the tears
tumble meaninglessly while I run miles,
if you cannot accept my sad attempt,
little can I do to apologize,
little can I do for a man of dust
in a little tin box, I've never seen,
never saw you inside your closed casket,
at the memorial service, I stood,
left with my anger at my own brother,
instead of laughing at circumstances
that are actually funny in hindsight,
that we were left behind, in your old car,
even you hadn't driven for six months,
take a moment to breathe, to laugh, to scream,
in that moment I wished I could be calm,
no spark would ignite a dead battery,
believe in morbid irony and laugh,
on this note, I must dance in remembrance,
xenophilia, a crowd of strangers
rejoice around my acceptance of death,
even I am bewildered by the thought,
maybe gastroenteritis killed you,
even diverticulitis killed you,
maybe it was just cancer and weight loss,
believe me, you didn't need to lose weight,
even if your body didn't know that,
remember, you died, and I never got...
yes, I never got the chance to grieve tears
over your body, living or in death,
underneath the facade of life is pain,
death brings up pain, sorrow and suffering,
in life, it takes time for me to process
emotions, death is a challenge I fear,
death taunts me with demons as I run miles,
again, I beg for you to forgive me,
no longer a Catholic, but Buddhist,
discipline and practice, I must accept,
I train half the year for the marathon,
never have I told you this, I run miles
ever striving to stride better, to run
virtually effortlessly, a game
endless in endeavour to attain peace,
remember, you died, and I never got...
guaranteed you were in a better place,
only that you died and were cremated,
thank you for letting me speak my mind...bye.
