"Reminiscences"

First Tuesday of the month at 10 a.m.
the sirens blast just once then it's over
95 degrees, the forecasted high,
it's not the heat but the humidity
that can kill you if you're old, feeble, frail
and nowhere near an air conditioner
for July in Chicago can kill you
but if you survive, there's always August

I pass a woman on the way to work
her body maladjusted with old age
a bag in each hand, her shoulders slope left
her imbalanced hips jut out to the right
crushed, I continue on my way to work
pathetically, glancing back without hope
as if she were a hot chick before death
takes her hand for that final silent dance

Her postural assessment I could do
if I had my license, but I fucked up
sent my application to the wrong folks
wrong organization, they cashed my check
so I'd be nationally certified
for four years, they pitched my application,
sent a check for the left-over amount
with no explanation, they screwed me good

Fifteen months of massage therapy school
and fifteen thousand dollars down the drain
I started paying-off my student loans
after six months from my graduation
I could never again afford to pay
the fee to apply for my state license
as I've worked in bookstores for twenty years
earning less than thirty thousand per year

And now I get a phone call everyday
from credit card collection agencies
trying to recover the 20K
I owe the banks when I chose to pay off
my student loans, honor the government,
and not have my wages garnished on top
of losing any IRS return
in exchange for the worst credit rating

Debt helps to place a noose around her neck
the day I knock on her front door, her car,
an orange Karman Ghia around back,
I figure she left in another car
with friends, a nice day outside in Memphis
my hope to spend time with fair Jennifer
that beautiful curly redhead woman
with the Kentucky bourbon voice is dashed

That was Sunday, Monday her sister calls
to let me know that she found Jennifer
at home hanging at the end of a rope,
the memorial service on Wednesday,
with the funeral service to follow,
the open casket, her dress and make-up
all wrong leaves an impression of disgrace
for me to remember her by for good

I watched her mother cry in such despair
tears I myself could not shed openly
not in front of a crowd of her old friends
people who had known Jennifer for years
but where were they when she cried in the park
letting me know she tried to kill herself
before we met, I gave her a long hug
and my handkerchief for her tears and nose

Maybe they were there at the hospital
after her first attempt by taking pills
or had she slashed her wrists, it's been so long
memories fade after so many years
I loved her as a friend, never lovers
I think she had a boyfriend at the time
I could be mistaken, she was single
or had they broken up, I'll never know

Later I'd take Karen to that same park
with the moonlight glowing over the lake
we'd hide from the security police
the spotlight from their squad car shining bright
take cover behind dogwoods, once they left
we'd take a stroll, hug and kiss in the dark
enjoy the beauty of a park at night
in a housing tract for wealthy people