At dinnertime, we all sat around the table together. I said grace,
then we ate what my mom cooked up for us after working at the office.
Dinner was a solemn affair with the TV turned off to eat in peace,
if you needed to go to the toilet you went before we all sat down,
needless to say, the stress levels in my family could drive someone insane,
not that that's what drove me insane after high school. No, quitting drugs did that,
even my new diet, a vegetarian venture didn't help much,
really, during college, my first year still at home and commuting to school,
the whole experience fucked with my head too much. After I left, I sat
in deep contemplation of this reality by practicing zazen,
my time was spent running early in the morning before dawn, and going
every morning to Mass, doing rosary prayer with the old believers.
When I got home, I slept then got ready for work delivering pizzas,
everyday I opened wider within my mind, until I fell apart.
After my parents left for Memphis, Tennessee, when my dad joined FedEx,
left alone in our home with my older brother and many of his friends,
left to fend for myself, slowly, I lost my mind, and no one seemed to help.
Suddenly, all alone, my friends moved far away, my brother could not help,
as heartless as a stone, he lived his carefree life, when a problem arose,
thrown out of my own home, forced into homelessness, living out of my car.
As for my millionaire brother with an ulcer, he lives for his family,
revised notions to fit California lifestyles, madness doesn't fit in,
of spirit and cash flow, while one grows, the other skims across the surface,
underneath the surface, religion hides its depths, while our Catholic faith
never answered my need to know why questions ask authority to bend,
defend the world through love and compassion, a faith in family and money
transcends reality never when immanence confronts us all with death,
how I became a lamb and grew up the black sheep, ready to sacrifice,
even slaughter, values change as people's minds change, spirituality
transforms reality by looking within hearts and beyond past actions,
as forgiveness is key, the clew acts as a thread for heroes in darkness,
before slaying monsters, prepare for great battle, enter the cave with torch-
light in hand, sword and shield, the Minotaur is dead, I am the Minotaur,
erupt a volcano to get your attention, worthless, helpless, hopeless...
Together we once sat as a family, the stress and strain of relations
obliges me to stay far, far away from sane morons in my family,
guttersnipe, a scapegoat for alcoholism in our family, our dad
ending his violence and rage after decades of control issues lost,
to play the game and lose but appear a winner, just look at my brother,
how sadistic he was as a child, no brother, just an asshole who harmed
even his own brother when alcoholism strained our relationship,
relations like a note stuffed into a bottle, a poem to denounce.
I am a survivor of family bullying and family dysfunction.
Say grace before you eat, to whom is of your choice, gratitude wins the war,
although my Iliad is no Greek tragedy, only a personal
insult to injury, rub salt into my wounds, like Jesus, I arise
despite open contempt from those who lack in love, arms wide open, the son
granted certain status as the prodigal son but not in my family,
remember your mistakes, accountability, my mother as preacher,
as I reflect on life, love and accomplishment, as alcoholism
causes endless effects, creating divisive bitterness, understand
equality fashions a tapestry from threads of heroes and monsters.
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