To present the reader not with a gift now lost, a little panda bear
humorously missing in the shuffle, a move, separation, divorce
enter the unwanted memories, jealousy, envy, stupidity
Forget how marriage works as a tag-team effort, a united front, rare
under the set theory of individual liberty and freedom
nothing more, a null set, mathematically void, empty, lacking all force
causation, billiard balls, trajectory motion, collision, quiddity
to speak to the reader of a stuffed animal, won after a contest
inside the mind of truth resides all deception, before this life, where from
or whence, a term we use rarely in daily speech, conditions prior to
now, but now is always present in the present, a gift, a panda bear
after the balloon burst from out of the clown's mouth until his face turned blue
left with a gift, a friend told me to keep, Sophie, whom I will remember
in moments of despair as a selfless angel within her family crest
to say the gift is lost, perhaps vindictively, perhaps with intention
yesterday, I woke up and found myself in bed with another woman
wisdom says not to cheat, to be honest, faithful, and so I was, or am
inside my mind, mirrors reflect off each other, light, I cannot mention
the labyrinthine paths, neural networks, tunnels in a dark cave
how do I begin to explain to the reader, to you drinking Oban
instead of working out, a bottle of whisky doesn't come cheap, goddamn
nothing lacks all value, even a panda bear, of her affection, scotched
destiny fills my mind with dreams long abandoned, with hope found at a rave
enter a life of drugs, electronic music, images on the walls
enter a rented space in a airport hangar or something similar
people dancing for hours, wandering aimlessly, tripping and rolling, shoals
swimming within the mind, amplified, electric currents coursing, no bar
transform the functional into a world of dance, a twelve-hour mission, botched
remember Sadh Guru with Sasha and Digweed, a girl dances alone
under the glare of dawn, we kiss but a moment, her boyfriend ends it all
construct the past, a dream within a life well-lived, but that was then, and now
truth breaks my lower back, the pain found in running to stop depression, stone
under stone, a calm pond, as children, we skip stones, back to their progression
remember, dear reader, the phantoms in my mind resemble your long haul
endlessly, Sisyphus hauls boulders up a hill, to no avail, to bow
simply knowing hubris invites Eumenides, the kindly ones, vengeance
or nemesis, divine retribution, these myths became my obsession
for a child of foreign extraction, my exile is filled with nostalgia
despair and depression, a child removed from home, his homeland, a nomad
yesterday, I woke up somewhere in Chicago, what I gain, neuralgia
shuffling my feet, I run to nowhere, there and back again, ever so sad
forget the possible-now, quite impossible, ghosts deserve a seance
unless I return, life remains arbitrary, random, meaningless chance
not within each action, karma and the dharma guide me as an adult
causation shapes events within consequences, karma is my downfall
tragedy is a play of forces without pride, I tuck my tail to dance
in the Agricenter in Memphis, Tennessee, where Katya and I kiss
only for a moment, long before our marriage, our failure and the cult
negation of the wronged, sorry to have done harm, to unravel a ball
as two kittens at play, I cannot speak of loss, I suffer my karma
lift my head, confidence, still alive, a world of possibility, miss
insight to the future with Epimetheus, open the box, hindsight
twenty-twenty vision, Prometheus suffers foresight, potato blight
yesterday, I woke up remembering the past, my life within dharma
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