Why am I alive, beyond each moment, is there a reason why salt
hovers in my eyes, waiting for pure solitude, to weep in silence
yesterday, I slept until daylight became night, whatever that means
as the hot water splashed my face, nobody knew, sorrow like a bolt
made my face convulse, in private, nobody knew, eyes red with fatigue
I imagine soap or shampoo as my excuse, I have no license
as a man to cry in public but in private, the rain makes no scenes
let flow, unhindered, my tears, fallen but unseen, unheard, unspoken
introverted sun, hidden behind ash gray clouds, lies without intrigue
versions of myself, moment after moment, turn the soil with a spade
even a farmer, with hands, wide as an octave, from back in the day
breaks the chocolate earth, dark, bittersweet, with a hint of terror, stars fade
even the fingers five ward off the evil eye but life is so gray
yesterday, I woke in bed, wishing I were dead, my horse unbroken
only if you knew what I just erased, these words meaningless, mundane
nothing but shadows, the wind blows, the flame flickers, the candle sits still
devotion, a glass votive, a vow as you wish, desire to set fire
every day to wicks, yearn for yarn divine, entwined lovers without stain
an immaculate conception with an angel, the breath of spirit
consider the child, the infant in her cradle, she pants up that hill
how she must struggle against men and boys alike, wood for the pyre
much as I admire a woman of assertion, I affirm no claim
only in union, to join but I am no one, I know not a whit
my self-deception, my self-delusion, myself imaginary
even on the screen, a blip lasts but a moment, the ephemeral
nothing in the sky, not the stars or galaxies, clusters unmerry
turn the universe in eternal emptiness, why this temporal
imaginary, as if I were still alive, this life without aim
search for a purpose to no avail, certainty hides between the cracks
tragedy transcends decades of hopeless torture but when may I die
haunted by the past, by memories that inspire vengeance to be great
except an empty vessel waits like the others to greet what it lacks
remember the past as an elephant knows how the graveyard awaits
even a hunter knows not to kill the harmless except for mince pie
armies of black ants wage war against my sorrow but I embrace fate
remember amor fati, to live this one life, over and over
even the playwright digs beyond the truth, context inscribed on the gates
articles of faith, belief treats hypocrisy to inquisition
set constellations up as orders of systems, enculture the stars
over and over, to eternally return, make a decision
no other choices, to affirm the meaningless or drown behind bars
witness Tithonus, an immortal cicada, no four-leaf clover
how to love the worst and continue to believe in nonsense and lies
yesterday, I died but feed off the gibberish of myths as undead
salt and hot butter, popcorn in the theater, the savory screen
arguments arise inside the lobby, how loud, they distract my dread
left in solitude, in an isolation tank, I start to careen
to list like a ship, seasick, full of helplessness, how I agonize
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