Mumble Bunny was born the bastard son of an illustrious preacher and a back-alley dime-bag prostitute known as Crack Whore Nellie.
The illicit congress was a one-and-done deal.
The preacher never saw the sex worker and Nellie was too high to know who was shagging her from behind against a dumpster full of rats and Chinese restaurant garbage.
Mumble Bunny was born inside an old abandoned house where he lived until he turned two with Nellie caring for the boy before moving on to a career smoking crystal meth and losing all her teeth along with her poverty-stricken mind locked away in a sanatorium for the criminally insane.
One day her pimp told her who the father of the boy called Mumble Bunny was and told her to make him give her some money to take care of the boy who never even had diapers.
The preacher scoffed but his wife took interest and obtained custody of the toddler.
Then Nellie lost her mind and her pimp disappeared as if money took care of these people like a problem in a mathematics textbook with the answer being two in the back of the head and the body dumped in the lake weighed down by hundred pound chains.
Mumble Bunny quickly learned to read and write with the preacher's wife and forgot all about Nellie inside a sanatorium for good.
However, Mumble Bunny had trouble speaking and all the kids at school teased him calling him the son of a preacher and a prostitute.
When he tried to ask his mommy, the preacher's wife, why the other children would chide him so with such an outlandish idea, she only said to go put some ice cubes inside his mouth and recite the Bible for her.
Mumble Bunny never learned about his biological mother in an asylum but he did start to speak better with ice cubes in his mouth like Demosthenes with his stones.
By the time Mumble Bunny turned nine years old he learned how to speak clearly but also learned the joy of fire and burned down the mansion with the preacher asleep inside.
The police decided it was an accident and did not prosecute the boy with homicide.
The preacher's wife received a hefty sum from his insurance policy and kept Mumble Bunny.
When Mumble Bunny turned eighteen he learned about his biological mother who died inside the sanatorium from an AIDS-related illness since she blew every man she met who paid her attention and gave her cigarettes.
Crazy Nellie was cremated and her ashes scattered in the lake where her pimp rested.
At eighteen, Mumble Bunny fell in love with his mommy, the deceased preacher's wife, and married her after he turned twenty.
No one ever said anything to the couple to disparage their May-December romance because down deep they knew Mumble Bunny had no morals and would burn down their house while they slept soundly inside.
Mumble Bunny and the dead preacher's wife had identical twin daughters whose names, Thunder and Lightning, turned heads everywhere the couple went in town.
Of course, the girls were smart and did not take after their father with his speech impediment or their mother with her felicity.
As they grew up, Thunder was left-handed and Lightning became right-handed as she disliked being called a witch by the kids in school but Thunder paid no attention to their taunting and hateful bullying.
When the girls played soccer, Thunder became a left-wing forward while Lightning became a tall goalie as they both took after their grandfather, the dead preacher, whose height was remarkable for a Norwegian.
As grandchildren of Norwegian descent, the girls took an interest in Norse legends.
Their favorite character was Loki, the trickster god, who could shape shift or change himself into another form like a salmon but they enjoyed how he could wreak havoc or act kindly according to his political whims.
The girls grew up quickly and entered college on athletic scholarships studying PPE (philosophy, politics, and economics).
They married the same man whom they met in Utah while hiking through Arches National Park as he was a preacher of Mormon faith.
But one night during a party on Christmas Eve, Thunder and Lightning saw their husband kiss a young woman under the mistletoe.
Of course, his fate was sealed and the sisters fled to Norway after he disappeared.
Mumble Bunny grew old after his wife followed her twins to hide away in Stavanger.
He missed his mommy-wife but did not wish to leave the fireproof mansion he rebuilt and enjoyed as he slept knowing it could not burn.
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