Catastrophe: hindsight being twenty-twenty, I look back, remember
observe my decisions lacking wisdom, insight, profound intelligence
literally, not sharp, why even be alive, angry, stupid and dull
languish in poetry, sadly unviable, who follows a loser
experience failure after failure, success always being others
crushed being overlooked, maybe not Black enough, maybe not white enough
transcend my otherness even to South Asians, even other Goans
exactly why I breathe, why I struggle to strive, why I run to survive
depression since high school, blamed on drugs by my mom, not alcoholism
Sesame Street: Sing, sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong, sing of good things...
older becomes wiser from past mistakes never to encounter again
never learned to sing well, never learned to play drums properly, continue
getting sidetracked, stumble over obstacles, one continuous mistake
sorrow and suffering, such is life, look away, always ever-present
Where to go from here, now, my heart broken from loss, ghosts of departed souls
harm, seriously not funny except others laugh at my expense, own
every experience as a sensitive child, wish I were otherwise
restless, inquisitive, intelligent, profound, yet treated as the same
exactly, otherwise than being like others, no one saw a difference
Everyone deluded by alcoholism in my family, my dad
very much enjoyed drink and unresolved anger, what was the real problem
everyone disagrees what happened in the past, denial is strong, a force
reason within logic, within philosophy became my way to heal
yesterday, I woke up and realized I was fifty-two years old, now
Veritably, a life ruined by bullying and alcoholism
except, my addiction was not to alcohol but hallucinogens
really impossible to be physically hooked to hallucinogens
struggle from my escape from my fucked-up family, clinical depression
everything is karma, consequences of past mistakes, actions gone wrong
Is this a worthwhile life, a close friend killed herself, saving me to struggle
switch off the light to sleep, perchance to dream, to die before a real success
Fill the water pitcher day after day, that is success, ordinary
ignorant of the truth, my one goal in this life, non-objective values
lift the veil of my bride, divorced six years later, cold feet the rest of life
lift others up, I strive to succeed in running, to lift others' spirits
endlessly seeking truth above other values, it's what makes me different
differences separate people without respect, without understanding
witness a death, my cat, a tortoiseshell, old soul, accept mortality
insist on acceptance, love and understanding, peace is the highest goal
transcend conflict as greed, anger and ignorance, the three poisons of truth
honesty seeks to clear a path beyond failure, beyond success, beyond
Grief and trauma, the pain and sorrow of heartbreak, nothing lasts forever
respite is no refuge, but momentary rest, suffering strikes at night
in daylight, anytime I set aside to breathe, I don't look, the tears come
ever since I was young, others laughed at my tears, to them, I felt too much
forget my own family, forgive to move ahead, forgive to heal myself
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