[1]
I remember nothing
circumspect about words,
exuberant cold air
lashes my face running,
exhilarating joy
berates my memories,
rummages my garden,
asks me about the past,
treading lightly on faults,
enlisting criminals,
murderers and rapists,
yesterday's least wanted
single, young bachelors,
elegant in orange,
lifting up my coffin,
forgotten by my friends.
[2]
Answer me: why letters? Long ago,
not even a phone call could salvage,
dismal memories of my failure.
What happened when you left for summer,
how did my omission set the house
ablaze so you would never again
talk to me as a friend, confident
I could never betray my standing.
As you understand, fidelity
slips out of the grasp of teenagers
slightly too self-centered to notice
undermining a friendship takes one
mistake by one of the two parties
eclipsing the sun with a full moon.
Yesterday was so long ago, now,
only mistakes never go away,
understanding is like a disease.
Shudder to think, I could not foresee
hell on earth as my future, funny,
as I slid down the slide faster than
lightning, as if all planned in advance,
lest I misunderstand the lesson.
Ask me why did I forget to write,
summer comes only once in a year,
seeing your friendship could not endure
until we met again in the fall,
my spirit lept at the chance to ride
each wave bodysurfing in the sun.
[3]
Forged in the smithy of my soul comes a love for water,
only now, you won't remember our days, so long ago,
relaxing in the dry sunshine, no one had it better.
Elongated on a beach towel, the salt glistens your skin,
vengeance is mine and recompense but in reverse, you see
everyone that I ever met I'm forced to make amends,
relatives and family alike but no one really cares,
yesterday remains yesterday, no sorry excuses.
Actions speak louder, as they say, but words get the job done,
tomorrow remains tomorrow, horizon at sunset,
off the pier you get the best view before the hotels came,
mostly nickel and dime places that ruin aesthetics.
Broken from years of wondering what I did wrong, decades
eventually catch up with me, I think too much, they say,
lucky me, I'm methodical, a slow thinker with wit,
only no one cares for satire, I was no one to you,
nothingness remains nothingness, sorrow grips the guts clean,
gutted like a dead mackerel, innards back to the sea,
if anything, I was lucky I didn't marry you,
not you, but someone just like you, but it didn't last long,
given I'm prone to make mistakes while on my back, supine.
Today remains today, as well, the present never stops,
only blows up like a balloon over the length of time.
Murder me, I wish you would have, this life not worth living,
even if I were successful and rich, up to my gills.
As you gutted me then and now I'm left to hook for bait,
suckers like me you string along to follow your orders.
Goodness knows the world is filled with horrible dames like you,
only no one's entirely good or bad, a mixed bag
of sweet and sour gummy bears, worms, colas, et cetera,
dumb as I was, I accepted your friendship and its loss.
Bitter as an adult trying to make sense of people,
every day, I look back and think, wonder what I did wrong,
let the sunshine go to my head and enjoy the summer,
only you were somewhere out east, all lonely for a friend,
nobody thinks I remember those days as well as that,
granted, I was fifteen years old and you were seventeen,
still, I remember that summer like it was yesterday.
Tough break kid, it's time to move on and find some other fish,
only you gutted me, cleaned me out into the ocean.
Yesterday remains yesterday, outside of the balloon,
only, no one understands time, is it not an arrow
under the pressure of the string, bent, pulled back to release?
[4]
I am nobody's sucker
left like a pigeon frozen
on top of a beam above
as I go to fetch mushrooms
from the last minute produce
even picking up spinach,
as I feel the need to cook
not as an adult but damn,
damn, damn, as a child fixes
insight into games of past,
nothing remaining nothing,
vision limited by scope,
indeed, you scooped out my soul
tossing it into the sea,
engrossed in your own shadows,
maybe, I was wrong to trust
your soul, a cutthroat like me,
suckers surrender to dust,
of time and mirrors and death,
until ashes, bones and smoke
linger to become an urn.
[5]
I know you may actually, if I'm right, one day read poetry,
leave this drivel for the dogs, as you know, I write for nobody,
enter the fruit of the vine, tomatoes and a knife to make sauce,
and so, I cook what I know enticing no one but angry cunts,
no one sits down on a chair, suffering from years of prison life
and wait and watch the world pass, observant as bird dogs hunting game,
not that I have a shred of evidence of life in prison, no,
did I not say I am not perfectly at ease here outside there,
life is not quite as I planned, however I am still alive, no,
or not, I died a while back albeit as of now reports come
as if I am a real mensch existing as a star among stars,
for you to choose not to speak nevermind the fact that stellar light
ends here, on earth, in your eyes, natural as a child crying tears,
and yet, I dare to write in Whitmanesque tones of style after Walt,
to say it comes as a guide, emptiness, as a form filling space,
my brain warps speed in space-time, haltingly, an old man, slothful thoughts,
yet try as I would so dream, publishing is but an error, no
est-il mon fils que je vois, demoiselle, ces mots de sagesse, non
à la même fois de ma vie, suspirant, quand je dis « regarde-toi »
si je ne parle pas toute suite, difficile pour un homme, vieux, triste
et à la fin d'un long rêve, fatigué, quand l'homme reste toujours mort
O God, I know I did wrong, addressing the past as Janus sees
but as a man lost in thought, embarking on a long journey, lost
still all I hear in my ears, deafening, a word not spoken, truth
ease me in life at the edge, precipice of the known kingdom, come
real life waits not for no one, hungrily, the hordes take, devour all
vim gone, long gone, as I try, everyday, to wake up, enjoy life
if I am stuck in a rut, suffering, please guide me away, God
now if I could in good faith, believing, speak these words, kingdom come
gone is my youth as I watch co-workers act as if nothing ends
as if their youth as of now, eternal, in the eyes, witness, light
sit down and rest, as you breathe, abolish chance with dice, never-more,
push and push and push and push, consciousness, a thread in copper fine
eats all the food in one gulp, bitterly, as a gull swallows fish
ask me why I did not write, exchanging, as friends do, letters, love
read as I tell of sweet lies, aspiring, as I write fiction, no
O God, I let my soul down, entangled, as my dreams collide, trains
forge a clear path on the rails, incessant, a bolt of dying light
sun swims as stars in the sky, bodysurf, the sea spray, Kronos kills
up high, I see in the dark, emptiness, a sight for ancient eyes
may we one day find the peace, agreement, to let go, errors, faults
might I write down on the page, prescient of my death, harbor pass
edge right up, see on the ground, weightlessness, as I float, buoyant, light
rest with my eyes on the prize, returning a lost coat, finding hope
grant me a page, just a page, remember, I paint words, concrete slabs
rid the earth of hate and war, jubilant, I seek peace within bliss
ask me why I did not write, arrogance, a spear of summer grass
sigh at my words like a child, stupefied on drugs or stellar light
seek not to change the wronged past, witnessing an act of kindness grows.
